It’s been a really long time since I’ve updated this space.
Not that I don’t want to. It’s just that… in my mind, those thoughts, ideas, and concepts, albeit numerous, are clear. Yet when I start to attempt to put them down in words, they magically start to jumble up, playing hide and seek with me, till it all becomes one big incoherent mess, not unlike a ball of tangled knotted strings.
Everything that was once clear in my head becomes an awkward for of words when written down. In my head, they are complete pieces of writing. Pages and pages of words carefully crafted to accurately depict my thoughts. Of course, when I start writing it down, the reality is far from that.
I blame it all on the perfectionist in me.
Let me introduce you to the perfectionist living in me. This little perfectionist likes to pick on every single thing. And I really mean EVERY SINGLE THING. She never fails to start talking whenever I start writing.
“The words don’t fit!”
“There must be a better word to use… come on!”
“Now now… what kind of weird sentence structure is that?!”
“No no no no no! Go back and reedit this. It’s not good enough!”
“Read it again. It’s not flowing properly is it?”
“Well… it’s getting boring now. Move on!”
You get the idea.
She pushes me to re-read everything I’ve written over and over again till the words begin to blur. Sometimes, she even makes me delete a whole chunk or even all of my writing just because she doesn’t like it enough. She doesn’t even need a reason to not like it.
So when you don’t see me writing, it’s actually all her fault.
If you do manage to see a piece of my writing, it means that for the time being, I’ve won the battle against her. Ot it could also mean that for that moment, I’ve actually managed to quell her incessant opinions. Or perhaps, in desperate situations, time leaves her with no choice but to allow the release of that piece of writing she isn’t really pleased with (happened a lot in my uni days).
Or on rare occasions, somehow, she manages to be mildly satisfied with the piece of work.
Trust me, it’s a constant battle with her. That is why sometimes I rather the ideas and thoughts stay in my head where it’s complete and whole, in a place that she can’t touch. That way, my sanity and esteem can remain intact too.
But I’ll try. I’ll continue to battle with her and hopefully, gradually gain her approval so that this space will not lie to waste.
